Don Knotts Gets No Respect

                                            

          Ahh Don Knotts, Mr. Furley, Luther Heggs, Barney Fife, whatever your name is, I love you.  To quote Shakespeare "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."  I'm not sure what this means exactly, but I think it has something to do with Don Knotts never failing to crack me up....

         Now this story happened to me a few years back when I was living in Baltimore but since I was reminiscing about it the other day I thought I'd share it, just in case I have some fellow Don fans out there....

         During my eight year time span in Maryland I worked for a motor coach company organizing tours and trips for groups.  I also occasionally escorted (no, not THAT kind of escorting) our retail trips, including our Broadway day trips to New York.  Part of these escorting duties (think Julie McCoy on a bus instead of the lido deck) include keeping the group informed of where to meet the bus, suggest places to eat, hand out show tickets, tell corny jokes on the mic (not a requirement but those lucky souls got them anyway) and to pick a movie to show on the bus for the long ride up and back.

Now this last task is not as easy as it sounds.  

          No matter what movie you pick to watch, there would be SOMEONE who would complain.  One of our escorts tried showing Forrest Gump on a trip when about 1/3 into the movie a woman came up to the front of the bus and asked her to turn it off as it was offending her daughter.  Really?  Forrest Gump? Lighten up, people. 

                                  

                                                          Run, Forrest......you racist son of a bitch.

         But, unfortunately, if even just one person asks, you have to do it.  Not my rule but whatever, you have to comply.  You just cannot please everyone however you do your best and pick something that you think will appeal to a broad spectrum of people. 

        So, here it was, my first day escorting the New York day trip to see “Hairspray”.  I had everything in order: coolers of water, printed itineraries, games to play, bad jokes in hand, the only thing I needed to get was what film to watch.  I decide to head out to Blockbuster (at this point there were still a plethora of Blockbuster stores around.) As I'm standing there in the PG section trying to pick something that has no swearing, sexual innuendo, and no nudity - which believe you me is no easy task these days, I run across the Don Knotts classic, "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken". Oh come on, this is perhaps the greatest movie of all time.  Ok, maybe that’s overstating it a tad but let’s face it, it’s pretty awesome. I absolutely love this movie, it's very goofy, Mr Furley at his best (if you have not seen this movie I feel sorry for you, go get it now.  Seriously.) 

         There I am thinking, "Oh wow, I will really win over this crowd tomorrow, I'm probably going to spoil them for anyone else, who doesn't adore this movie???  They are going to LOVE ME!" as daydreams of 50 bus passengers carrying me around on their shoulders floods my head.

        I decided to pick up Tootsie as well for the ride home, also a classic.

       The morning check in goes well, everyone shows up on time, all heads are counted, and so we begin our four hour journey up to NYC.  We play some games, I give them a little info on New York, pass out some maps, then I make my big announcement, saving the best for last, that I have a little movie that I know they are all going to just LOVE! 

      I announce "I'm about to put a movie in for your viewing pleasure.  Today it will be…(sufficient pause for suspense)… 'The Ghost and Mr. Chicken!"  

                      

                                                                 What's not to love?....

            Well, instead of being received with the reaction I was expecting: claps of joy and happy gasps of anticipation, I was instead given blank stares and lots of quizzical upturned eyebrows, signaling no recognition whatsoever.   Turns out no one had ever heard of this movie, and some had never even heard of Don Knotts!  For shame!  As you can imagine, the image of me being the hero was quickly deflating. What did I have going for me at this point?  Some bad rope jokes (frayed knot)?  Well, no matter, even if they had never heard of this movie I figured I’d win them over once, five minutes in, they’d be mine, or Don Knotts’s. Whatever. 

           I put the movie on and I’m sitting there in the front row of the bus just chuckling to myself, thinking everyone behind is probably doing the same, but as I turn around periodically to see their reaction I see most people are either sleeping, looking out the window or talking to each other, paying no mind to the movie whatsoever.  WHAT THE HELL!?  But, before I had time to pause the movie and reprimand them over the mic for not giving Don Knotts a chance, we had arrived early in New York.  So, I had to turn the movie off before the big, hilarious finish.  Much to my chagrin I received no complaints about stopping the flick early.  Hurumph.  

            Hairspray was great and everyone had a good time.  In addition to seeing the show (such a great perk of this job, I got to tell bad jokes on a microphone and see a bunch of Broadway shows for free) I picked up quite a few “designer”, ahem, purses for 5 bucks a pop.  I love New York and it’s cheap knock off crap.  I do love a bargain.....so what if Gucci is spelled with a k. 

            Everyone boarded the bus, abuzz with how wonderful the show was, what good food they ate and what deals they found.  All passengers are in a good mood, time to put in “Tootsie” my return trip movie since I decide I’ll probably be pelted with plastic handbags that say Nate Spade if I put The Ghost And Mr. Chicken back in.   

           But, before I do this I have to walk down the aisle and count the heads, making sure everyone is on board.  As I’m doing this one woman stops me and whispers quietly, "Can we watch the end of that other movie before you put Tootsie in?" 

           OH MY GAWD, YES! YES!  "Oh!  I've got a fan!  I mean, Don Knotts has a fan!  Of course!  Of course we can watch the end of the movie!!" 

           I’m thinking that maybe the others have been converted too but were just too afraid to ask! Yes, that must be it.   I excitedly scurry back up to the front of the bus and announce that I've had a request to watch the end of The Ghost and Mr. Chicken, to which the rest of the 47 people on the bus actually yell a resounding, "NO!" and other various noises that let me know that they certainly DID NOT enjoy my movie selection.   I reply to them with "come on!  It's Don Knotts!  It's a classic"....to which they randomly yell at me, "it's stupid! ….Don’t put it in….WE DON’T LIKE IT!"  There I am, arguing with 48 strangers over a microphone,  defending Don Knotts saying that he is a classic comedy actor and how can you not enjoy this movie! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!   

          Well after much back and forth, I put it in anyway, I figure the old rule applies "if one person asks, you have to do it!"  Ha ha.  It’s me, Don Knotts and the lady in seat 35B against the world.  

                                                                 Who loves ya, baby.

            As the trip comes to a close and we reenter the lovely county of Baltimore I start reading my evaluations that everyone had kindly filled out for me, they say things like "Needs better movie selection.......Tootsie good, Don Knotts bad.....needs more recent flicks......Don Knotts stupid..." blah blah blah.  Well excuuuuuse me for trying to enrich their comedy palate.  Can I help it if they have no taste?

          The next day at work I tell my coworkers how 've lost faith in humanity, these people don't appreciate a good movie when they see one, let alone a comedy genius like Don Knotts.  They all of course laughed at me and thought I was ridiculous for bringing such an out of date movie and then they pelted me with day old donuts. 

          The day after that I come to work to find a huge picture of Don Knotts taped to my computer screen, with "Thanks for trying, Kristin." written on it.  From that day on it was displayed on the right wall of my cubicle, putting me forever under the watchful eye of my hero Don Knotts, and also reminding me of the movie I am never to bring on future bus trips.

         Well, Mr. Knotts, I tried my best.  Even thought I may have only converted one fan out of 50 I still love you.  The rest of them can suck it.

Yours, I remain,

Kristin Leoncavallo

Ode to the Single Parents

            Single parents, I don't know how you do it.  How do you raise children by yourself? There's no way I could do this by myself on any kind of constant basis, there's so friggen much to do.

            You cook for them, you clean for them, you discipline them, you love them, care for them when they're home sick, stay up nights catching vomit, keep the house clean, you do the food shopping, catch up on emails, take off work for doctors appointments or soccer/baseball/karate/gymnastics functions, sit with them and do their homework (which is like Shark Week for me, every night, the worst, he hates it, I hate it, I lose my patience, tears, his and mine, awful), find five minutes to go to the bathroom by yourself,  AND have a job without going completely insane?  Seriously, I'm asking, HOW do you do it?  I am only a single mother various times of the year because I'm married to a Navy man, but I'm only able to manage that with any grace (ha) because I know my husband is coming BACK at some point, but you,  I'm am in awe of you, single parents.  My hat goes off to you.....or it would be, you know, if I were wearing one.  I really don't look good in hats.

             Now I'm lucky, I have a wonderful partner in my husband but as I said he has to leave on deployments a few times a year, leaving me here with our 5 year old son.  Thankfully we're fortunate enough that I can be a stay at home mom, making all these above mentioned tasks easier, but even with all of that some days I find myself barely hanging on by a thread.  Today is one of those days.  Last week our son came down with a cold, and because he's such a good little sharer he decided to pass it along to mommy!  Ugh.  So now I have it and somehow got it worse than him, fever, chills, body aches, ear infection, the whole sha-bang.  All I want is for someone to come along and smother me with a pillow, I am in hell.

           As I'm laying here having a little pity party for myself I got to thinking about all you brave single moms and dads, how you manage all this with often times multiple kids and a job to go to.  What do you do you when your kid is sick?  Do you stay home with them?  What about when YOU'RE sick, do you stay home or have you used up all of your sick days staying home with them?  Do you just suck it up and power through?  WHAT DO YOU DO?

         I'm especially curious about this because next year I'll be reentering the work force, which I'm both excited and freaked out about.  I almost had an anxiety attack after dropping Henry off at his first day of kindergarten this year, and all I was doing was coming straight home after!  What's it going to be like when I have a job and I won't be able to get to him at a moments notice?  Jeez I sound like one of those crazy moms. But truly, the thought of having to do all that I do right now, AND having a job on top of it, it's a little daunting.   Maybe I'm just feeling overwhelmed at the moment because the husband has been away for three months and I'm sick.  It's been a seriously shit day.  Waking up with a heinous ear infection in both ears (which is actually kind of cool, I've been hearing all kinds of weird noises all day because my ear drums are effed up.  Lots of high pitched ringing, beeping, buzzing, either I have an ear infection or the government has implanted listening devices in my head.  Possibly both.)

         Where was I, oh yeah, waking up in a terrible mood after a terrible nights sleep, knowing I had a million things to do.  I'm throwing a friends baby shower this weekend and still have a huge list of things to do and buy, having to make Henry's lunch for school (which is difficult because the kid doesn't like ANYTHING I put in there unless it's fruity snacks.  I seriously thought about filling the whole damn sack with fruit snacks just so I could sit down and be done with it), getting him dressed for school, which is always so much fun (I personally have to yell at him fifteen million times a day to get his clothes on for school, the only thing that comes in close to that is how many times I have to yell FINISH YOUR BREAKFAST, it's a friggen nightmare), get myself dressed, get him to school, and now I have find time for a doctors appointment since I know I need some antibiotics, get to the tax office to drop off papers needed today, and then get to another doctors appointment for something totally different clear across town later that afternoon.  All this I have to do while I can barely hold my head up and every voice and noise I hear sounds like robots in my ears, sending pain down my entire body because my stupid ears are infected!  Well I lost it.  I just started crying.  Where is my husband!!  Waaaa!  I hate being a single parent!

        My poor son, here I am, standing in the kitchen, ears killing me, having to figure out what in the hell to make for lunch, shaky feverish aching body, and tears streaming down my face AHHHH.  This isn't supposed to be happening to me, I took an Airborne for crissakes! What a crock.

       He was such a sweet heart, he said, "I'm sorry you aren't feeling good mommy" and then he went in his room and got all his school clothes on WITHOUT ME HAVING TO YELL IT AT HIM ONE TIME TO DO IT.  Surely a first.  See!  I knew he could do it! Why can't he do that EVERY day?   He even finished his breakfast without me asking, little sweet boy, wanting to help out mommy.  Maybe I should bust out the tears more often, get some stuff done around here!  No, it's terrible to see your mom cry, I've only seen my mom cry a few times, and each time is worse than the last.  Moms are supposed to be strong and resilient, seeing them in any sort of vulnerable state is really fucking scary as a kid. I'll try not to do it again, but today, shoot, sometimes you just lose it.

          The bonus of all this was when I picked him from school the gym teacher came up to me and asked, with sad, understanding head tilted to the side, "How are you feeling?"

I said, "Henry told you I was crying, didn't he."  She laughed and said yes, he was telling everyone that his mommy was sick and was crying.

Terrific.

 I'm so glad all the teachers at school, and all of his classmates no doubt (who probably went home and told their parents) could be in on this stellar mommy moment of mine.  Oh well, there are worse things...I think.

      Well, it's been about three days that I've been sick, the house is a wreck, I haven't showered in days, there are toys and laundry everywhere, I could give a crap.  I'm sick, I'm supposed to clean?  I don't think so.  But I'm lucky, I at least know that TOMORROW I can sleep. If I can get through today I just might make it, but I know if I had an actual JOB to go to I would lose my shit.  I can look forward to my husband coming home soon and lending me a helping hand, but you, single parents, what about you?  You just power through a I guess, without, I'm assuming, being constantly drunk or bursting into tears on a daily basis.  You are stronger people than I, let me tell you.  If I were feeling better I'd be toasting you with my glass of chardonnay, so for now I'll just down this spoonful of DayQuil in your honor.  Here's to the single parents.