Ahh Don Knotts, Mr. Furley, Luther Heggs, Barney Fife, whatever your name is, I love you. To quote Shakespeare "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." I'm not sure what this means exactly, but I think it has something to do with Don Knotts never failing to crack me up....
Now this story happened to me a few years back when I was living in Baltimore but since I was reminiscing about it the other day I thought I'd share it, just in case I have some fellow Don fans out there....
During my eight year time span in Maryland I worked
for a motor coach company organizing tours and trips for groups. I also occasionally escorted (no, not THAT
kind of escorting) our retail trips, including our Broadway day trips to New York. Part of these escorting duties (think Julie
McCoy on a bus instead of the lido deck) include keeping the group informed of where to meet the bus,
suggest places to eat, hand out show tickets, tell corny jokes on the mic (not a requirement but those lucky souls got them anyway) and to pick a movie to show on
the bus for the long ride up and back.
Now this last task is not as easy as it
sounds.
No matter what movie you pick to
watch, there would be SOMEONE who would complain. One of our escorts tried showing Forrest Gump
on a trip when about 1/3 into the movie a woman came up to the front of the bus
and asked her to turn it off as it was offending her daughter.
Really? Forrest Gump? Lighten up,
people.
But, unfortunately, if even just one person asks, you have to do
it. Not my rule but whatever, you have to comply. You just cannot please everyone however you do your best and pick
something that you think will appeal to a broad spectrum of people.
So, here it was, my first day
escorting the New York day trip to see “Hairspray”. I had everything in order: coolers of
water, printed itineraries, games to play, bad jokes in hand, the only thing I
needed to get was what film to watch. I
decide to head out to Blockbuster (at this point there were still a plethora of
Blockbuster stores around.) As I'm standing there in the PG section trying to
pick something that has no swearing, sexual innuendo, and no nudity - which
believe you me is no easy task these days, I run across the Don Knotts classic,
"The Ghost and Mr. Chicken". Oh come on, this is perhaps the
greatest movie of all time. Ok, maybe that’s overstating it a tad but let’s
face it, it’s pretty awesome. I absolutely love this movie, it's very goofy, Mr
Furley at his best (if you have not seen this movie I feel sorry for you, go
get it now. Seriously.)
There I am
thinking, "Oh wow, I will really win over this crowd tomorrow, I'm probably going to spoil them for anyone else, who doesn't
adore this movie??? They are going to LOVE ME!" as daydreams of 50
bus passengers carrying me around on their shoulders floods my head.
I decided to pick up Tootsie as well for the ride home, also a classic.
The morning check in goes well, everyone shows up on time, all heads are counted, and so we begin our four hour journey up to NYC. We play some games, I
give them a little info on New York, pass out some maps, then I make my big
announcement, saving the best for last, that I have a little movie that I know
they are all going to just LOVE!
I announce "I'm about to put a
movie in for your viewing pleasure. Today it will be…(sufficient pause
for suspense)… 'The Ghost and Mr. Chicken!"
Well, instead of being received with the
reaction I was expecting: claps of joy and happy gasps of anticipation, I was
instead given blank stares and lots of quizzical upturned eyebrows, signaling
no recognition whatsoever. Turns out no one had ever heard of this
movie, and some had never even heard of Don Knotts! For shame!
As you can imagine, the image of me being the hero was quickly deflating. What
did I have going for me at this point?
Some bad rope jokes (frayed knot)?
Well, no matter, even if they had never heard of this movie I figured
I’d win them over once, five minutes in, they’d be mine, or Don Knotts’s.
Whatever.
I put
the movie on and I’m sitting there in the front row of the bus just chuckling
to myself, thinking everyone behind is probably doing the same, but as I turn
around periodically to see their reaction I see most people are either sleeping,
looking out the window or talking to each other, paying no mind to the movie
whatsoever. WHAT THE HELL!? But,
before I had time to pause the movie and reprimand them over the mic for not giving Don
Knotts a chance, we had arrived early in New York. So, I had to turn the movie off before the big,
hilarious finish. Much to my chagrin I
received no complaints about stopping the flick early. Hurumph.
Hairspray
was great and everyone had a good time.
In addition to seeing the show (such a great perk of this job, I got to tell bad jokes on a microphone and see a bunch of Broadway shows for free) I picked up quite a few “designer”, ahem,
purses for 5 bucks a pop. I love New
York and it’s cheap knock off crap. I do
love a bargain.....so what if Gucci is
spelled with a k.
Everyone boarded the bus, abuzz with
how wonderful the show was, what good food they ate and what deals they
found. All passengers are in a good
mood, time to put in “Tootsie” my return trip movie since I decide I’ll
probably be pelted with plastic handbags that say Nate Spade if I put The Ghost And Mr. Chicken back in.
But, before I do this I have to walk
down the aisle and count the heads, making sure everyone is on board. As I’m doing this one woman stops me and
whispers quietly, "Can we watch the end of that other movie before
you put Tootsie in?"
OH MY GAWD, YES! YES! "Oh! I've got a fan! I mean,
Don Knotts has a fan! Of course! Of course we can watch the end of
the movie!!"
I’m thinking that maybe the others have been converted
too but were just too afraid to ask! Yes, that must be it. I
excitedly scurry back up to the front of the bus and announce that
I've had a request to watch the end of The Ghost and Mr. Chicken, to which the
rest of the 47 people on the bus actually yell a resounding, "NO!" and other
various noises that let me know that they certainly DID NOT enjoy my movie
selection. I reply to them with
"come on! It's Don Knotts! It's a classic"....to which
they randomly yell at me, "it's stupid! ….Don’t put it in….WE DON’T LIKE
IT!" There I am, arguing with 48 strangers over a microphone, defending
Don Knotts saying that he is a classic comedy actor and how can you not
enjoy this movie! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!
Well after much back and forth, I put it in anyway, I figure the
old rule applies "if one person asks, you have to do it!" Ha
ha. It’s me, Don Knotts and the lady in seat 35B against the world.
Who loves ya, baby.
As the trip comes to a close and we reenter the lovely county of Baltimore I start reading my evaluations that everyone had kindly
filled out for me, they say things like "Needs better movie
selection.......Tootsie good, Don Knotts bad.....needs more recent
flicks......Don Knotts stupid..." blah blah blah. Well excuuuuuse me
for trying to enrich their comedy palate. Can I help it if they have no taste?
The next day at work I tell my
coworkers how 've lost faith in humanity, these people don't appreciate a good movie when they see one, let
alone a comedy genius like Don Knotts. They all of course laughed at me and thought I was ridiculous for bringing such an out of date movie and then they pelted me with day old donuts.
The day after that I come to work to find a huge
picture of Don Knotts taped to my computer screen, with "Thanks for trying, Kristin." written on it. From that day on it was displayed on the right wall of my cubicle, putting me forever under the watchful eye of my hero Don Knotts, and also reminding me of the movie I
am never to bring on future bus trips.
Well, Mr. Knotts, I tried my
best. Even thought I may have only
converted one fan out of 50 I still love you.
The rest of them can suck it.
Yours, I remain,
Kristin Leoncavallo
when you don't love don knotts, the terrorists win.
ReplyDeleteDon Knotts is the best.
ReplyDelete