Target Peeping

                                    There’s a peeping Tom in Target

I love Target.  I do.  I can get anything I want for under three dollars.  Shampoo?  Three dollars.  Oil for my car?...three dollars…Tool shed?...three dollars….. 

The thing I love most about Target is the cheap, excuse me…inexpensive, underwear.  Since being introduced to the wide variety of low priced inventory of undergarments at Target, I find it hard to go anywhere else for my frilly underthings.  Victoria Secret?  Whats the big secret?  That she charges twenty-five bucks for a thong?  Hey, I’m not proud, if it’s cute and $3.99 I’ll buy it and brag about it and hey, I might even show it to you.   I AM the definitive bargain shopper.

Living in San Francisco is not cheap.  Finding bargain underwear in San Francisco?  Nearly impossible.  So, to satisfy my urge to get out of the city AND replenish my boudoir I often found myself traveling south to Daly City to find my cheap goods...  So, one foggy day (are there any other?) I got up, fed my cat, put on my snappy blue denim dress and head on out.  My target?  Target.

 I have about $40 bucks to spend, so, the world (the universe that is Target) was my oyster!…discount oyster that is.

            I enter the store with big dreams!  First I peruse the purse department as it’s on the way to the lingerie racks…then it’s on to the girly accessories…then on I trek to Mecca: the underwear section.  I’m enjoying myself, making sure to give myself plenty of time in each section….heck, it’s my day off so I’m shopping at Target!  The world is mine!  I have $40 and I can afford anything in this store!  I cruise from rack to rack, picking up this, disregarding that, humming and hawing through the red, green, and purple items, fitting the title “discriminating customer” to a tee.

 Finally, when I think I’ve found some real beauties I head into the dressing room with my customary 7 items (I don’t think I’ve ever gone into a dressing room with less than the maximum amount, I mean, if I’m going in I might as well take along as much as possible….)  So, on this fine day, I’m humming a little tune, trying on my braziers, happy as can be when all of a sudden, I hear a knock on my dressing room door.  Unaccustomed to visitors in my home away from home, I muster a timid, “Um, yes?” 

“Uh, the manager… he want to speak to you.”

“He does? Oh, Ok….uh, I’ll be right out.”

This is an odd turn of events.  It’s funny the things that flash through your mind when you think you are in trouble.  My thoughts automatically jump to, “did I accidentally steal something?  Do they think I’m stuffing cheap, uh, inexpensive, underwear into my thrift store satchel?”  I have no idea. 

Well I put on my snappy little snap dress once again and exit the dressing room.  Sure enough, there is the Target Manager waiting for me, looking a little uncomfortable….I have no idea what this could be about.

He says to me, “Miss, would you come with me please?”

Oh crap, what have I done?  Did I win a prize for being such a cherished customer of Target?  Am I the millionth shopper?  I’m doubtful this is the case as I’m feeling more and more like the kid summoned to the principals office after writing “I love Rob Lowe” on the outside of her locker.

So there I am, being led to the security room in Target.  And for those of you who have never been in one of those things, well, let me be the first to tell you, you haven’t lived.  It looks like the control room at NASA, or at least my image of what that might look like.  This has changed my life.  If you ever thought you could get away with, oh I don’t know, an inappropriate body scratch, maybe a little nose pick, dislodging a wedgy anywhere in a desolate section of Target and nobody would know about it?  Wrong.  Just because you are standing in an aisle alone, doesn’t mean no one can see you. You can bet your every move is being recorded as they have security cameras on every inch of that store.  Every inch people!

 I’m standing there my eyes are darting from screen to screen, back to the manager’s face, back to screen, so on and so forth.  My mind is racing trying to recall my every second I spent in the mega store that morning.   I’m a bit scared by this point mainly because the dude hasn’t said anything to me yet!  The manager, sensing my fear, calmly says to me, in his most comforting voice, “We here at Target hate to have to deal with situations like these…we feel just terrible when anything like this goes on in one of our stores….just terrible…”  Oh crap, WHAT IS IT ALREADY!

“Uh, miss, as you were shopping this morning in the ladies undergarment section…did you happen to see anyone, uh, strange near you?”

Strange?

I’m thinking, “aside from the employees and regular customers?”  No.

“Not that I recall, sir”…important to be polite when in a precarious situation….

He then replies with, “I hate to be the one to tell you this, but as you were shopping in the underwear section not ten minutes ago, a man was down on his hands and knees looking up your dress.”

OH…MY….GOD.

No, really….ohmygod!!

“No, I didn’t notice anything.” I say as I try not to pick up any dirt as my jaw hits the floor.

Turns out, the local pervert was shadowing my movements throughout the store, and when he saw his opportunity to sneak a peek, he got down on all fours and saw clear up to Christmas “with no pies baked”, as my mother would say.  I have no idea what this means but I’ve heard it my entire life.

            Granted, I was shocked at hearing this news, but not for the reason the manager thought I was.  I guess he was expecting me to break out in tears, appalled that I would be the target of such a disgraceful act!  But honestly, I almost started laughing.   I mean, yes, that is terrible and really disgusting, but come on, kind of funny too. The fact that there I am, totally oblivious to the guy who has his nose two inches from my bum and all I’m concerned with is whether or not I can find a pair of panties to go with this cheap blue bra!  AND IT’S ALL ON CAMERA!  EVERY SECOND OF IT, AND THEY WERE ALL WATCHING ME IN THAT NASA CONTROL ROOM!

The manager goes on to tell me that as soon as I wandered away to the dressing room, his crew of security tackled this guy and dragged him off, and still, I’m totally clueless.  I mean, that’s funny!  I have no idea as all this ruckus is happening right behind me!  No clue!  I didn’t hear a sound!  Too captivated by the bargains I guess.

I was so embarrassed I had to leave.  I mean, all I could think of was those guys, watching me from their security room, watching me shop for sunglasses saying to each other, “Hey, there she goes, that’s the one….she didn’t even know it….right up her dress…..I mean right in there!….look at her….his head, totally up her dress!….unbelievable!”

Well, I scurried out with a blush and still with $40 dollars in my purse.  I learned one thing that day, though: always be aware of your surroundings and never, ever go shopping at Target in a short dress.