Tweekers with Beans

     My husband gives out cans of beans to homeless people.  I don’t mean he has a soup kitchen, I mean when he sees homeless people on the side of the road holding out “anything helps” signs he holds out a can of beans to them.  His car is loaded with them.  I said, “Why don’t you just give them money, it’s what they want.”  He says no, that every one else gives them money, he gives beans.  When I ask how they are supposed to open the beans he says, “They all have can openers.”  Apparently they keep them tied to the end of those sticks, wrapped in that bandana.  

     Here in San Diego most of these homeless people just seem to want cash, they don’t want your stinkin’ beans.  Nevertheless, Doug is insistent on his all-bean handout policy. Give a man a dollar he’ll eat for a day.  Give a man a can of beans and he’ll still eat for a day, but now will also be slightly gassy.

     He has also loaded MY car with cans and cans of Ranch Beans, his hobo legume of choice.  So here I am, riding around town, cans of beans rolling at my feet.  What am I to do?  I’d much rather give these guys money but now I’m so bean-heavy I have to unload them where I can.

     So the other day I finally work up the nerve to give the damn beans to a homeless person.  It was actually a young couple that I've seen panhandling down the way from us a few times now.  They look to be in their twenties and as they walk up and down the street corner he holds her hand and whispers to her and she looks down at her feet and mopes along.  I'll bet you a million cans of beans that he tells her to "look hungry and sad" because the change in her expression after the whisper is so abrupt it's comical.  Anyway, yesterday as I was stopped at the light, I rolled down the window and said to them, "Hey, I've got some beans, would you like them?" And the guy paused for a minute, gave me a weird look and said, "Uh, yeah sure..I guess."  Frankly, he didn’t look thrilled at all to have the beans, he looked like he was humoring me, seemed like he was hoping for a dollar instead.  But whatever, in honor of my husband, I gave him the beans, he thanked me and they were on their mopey way again.  

     Two hours later I saw them sitting by the 7-11 in the grass talking and laughing, no more moping, and no beans in sight. I'm hoping they ate them and didn't just pitch them in the nearest trash can.  "This is what I think of your stupid beans, lady!" Is what I picture them saying, right before they jump on the nearest box car out of town like the hobos in my husband's head.



      But, let's look on the bright side, maybe they looked cheered up because they had fully bellies, while simultaneously fulfilling their fiber intake for the day. We can only hope.